Gifts, the currency of friendship.
Well at least to me. The fact is I tend to give gifts often to my friends to buy their love. It's a really bad habit since it proves to be poor financial management, not to mention that I would probably be no better than a rock star buying BMWs for all my friends. But enough about me giving gifts, how about me recieving gifts.
Now I'm not a person to really accept gifts. Upon reflection I even rejected one very rudely and even hurting the person, though I don't really know anymore. To look upon a small little story, voila I was invited to a party of one of my acquaintices. This was in grade...4 or 5, I don't quite remember, but instead I just tossed the invitation in the garbage, almost right in front of that person. This isn't to say that I didn't like said person, it's just that I wasn't interested and I didn't know how to break it to them, let alone know that I need to inform them that I'm not interested. That basically shows how much I feel about extentsions of friendship beyond a free lunch.
To tell the truth, I respect the idea of someone presenting me a gift, and I can accept it. But first of all I'm not really a materialistic person...........um.........................OK maybe I am! But only when I call for it. Sometimes when I set my mind to get something, I fucking want it and want it now. And being a spoiled brat I was basically very showered with material whims of toys and such when I was growing up. Not so much now, since the most that I ever want is socks and underwear. I I think that is a good explanation, that since I was pretty much showered with all these gifts, it hard for me to appreciate anything. Or else I'm just like those emotionally constipated "husbands" off of "While You Were Out", I hardly get emotionaly (which I desire). I want tears, I want cries of joy, I want to hug people to death and thank them....yet all I do is say "cool...um...man".
Another reason, which I consider the most revelantly aware reason is that people never get what I want because of my privacy of showing my wants and needs. I'm sooooooo cryptic on what the hell I want, it's either out of most people's price range (say a GBA or the Cowboy Bebop limited edition Box Set) or I mention it once, in innuendo and people get it wrong. It's not that I don't appreciate it (unless it WAAAAY in left field), it's the thought that counts, but still it's not what I want. I have this stupid little idea that a gift is something that I like, but I didn't mention. HENCE SURPRISE. Of course not everyone is a mind reader and I assume that 100% of my friends do not posess this ability. I want to be extremely wowed to the nth degree, yet to give no one a distinctly right clue to what I want, because to tell the truth I don't tell exactly what I want. Maybe that should be a resolution, stop being crptic. But then again, if I tell you my gift, what good is it to be a surprise?
To further elaborate, I feel that anything I get or own, has to be done on my terms. I want to go through the ritual of buying things, because it is then and ONLY then I truly see it as mine. Things I want to own must seem to pass through me. It's almost tradition, a way to complete myself and that's where I think my materilistic side comes in. Through buying or attaining these things myself, I can only add to my personality or complete my soul. Especially the Tea Party CDs. Music is an important thing in my life and for something like that, despite my good friendships, I feel it's still something mine to get and mine alone.
Well more later
Well at least to me. The fact is I tend to give gifts often to my friends to buy their love. It's a really bad habit since it proves to be poor financial management, not to mention that I would probably be no better than a rock star buying BMWs for all my friends. But enough about me giving gifts, how about me recieving gifts.
Now I'm not a person to really accept gifts. Upon reflection I even rejected one very rudely and even hurting the person, though I don't really know anymore. To look upon a small little story, voila I was invited to a party of one of my acquaintices. This was in grade...4 or 5, I don't quite remember, but instead I just tossed the invitation in the garbage, almost right in front of that person. This isn't to say that I didn't like said person, it's just that I wasn't interested and I didn't know how to break it to them, let alone know that I need to inform them that I'm not interested. That basically shows how much I feel about extentsions of friendship beyond a free lunch.
To tell the truth, I respect the idea of someone presenting me a gift, and I can accept it. But first of all I'm not really a materialistic person...........um.........................OK maybe I am! But only when I call for it. Sometimes when I set my mind to get something, I fucking want it and want it now. And being a spoiled brat I was basically very showered with material whims of toys and such when I was growing up. Not so much now, since the most that I ever want is socks and underwear. I I think that is a good explanation, that since I was pretty much showered with all these gifts, it hard for me to appreciate anything. Or else I'm just like those emotionally constipated "husbands" off of "While You Were Out", I hardly get emotionaly (which I desire). I want tears, I want cries of joy, I want to hug people to death and thank them....yet all I do is say "cool...um...man".
Another reason, which I consider the most revelantly aware reason is that people never get what I want because of my privacy of showing my wants and needs. I'm sooooooo cryptic on what the hell I want, it's either out of most people's price range (say a GBA or the Cowboy Bebop limited edition Box Set) or I mention it once, in innuendo and people get it wrong. It's not that I don't appreciate it (unless it WAAAAY in left field), it's the thought that counts, but still it's not what I want. I have this stupid little idea that a gift is something that I like, but I didn't mention. HENCE SURPRISE. Of course not everyone is a mind reader and I assume that 100% of my friends do not posess this ability. I want to be extremely wowed to the nth degree, yet to give no one a distinctly right clue to what I want, because to tell the truth I don't tell exactly what I want. Maybe that should be a resolution, stop being crptic. But then again, if I tell you my gift, what good is it to be a surprise?
To further elaborate, I feel that anything I get or own, has to be done on my terms. I want to go through the ritual of buying things, because it is then and ONLY then I truly see it as mine. Things I want to own must seem to pass through me. It's almost tradition, a way to complete myself and that's where I think my materilistic side comes in. Through buying or attaining these things myself, I can only add to my personality or complete my soul. Especially the Tea Party CDs. Music is an important thing in my life and for something like that, despite my good friendships, I feel it's still something mine to get and mine alone.
Well more later
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